Day By Day

I feel like time has just flown by.  These past two months seem to have gone by in just a flash.  Liam has started daycare and I've started back to work full-time and it seems like each day is just as draining as the last.  I have a very long commute into work, almost an hour and a half on two buses and two trains.  I get up at 4:30 every morning to pump, get to the bus by 6:15 and get to work by 7:45.  I work until 3pm so that I can make the trip back home in enough time to pick up Liam from daycare.  If I worked any later than that I would still be able to pick him up, but by the time I'd bring him home it would be time for him to go to bed.  I feel like no matter how much I sleep I just can't seem to catch up.  Rob works most evenings and practically every weekend, which means that on my days off I take care of the baby from morning til he goes to bed.  I feel like a single parent most days and my relationship with Rob has certainly changed.  Sometimes I feel like we are just passing each other by and that we're more like roomies than husband and wife.  I haven't wanted to have sex in a very long time and I know it's a very important part of our marriage, but I just don't want to do it just to do it to get him off my back.  I know that would mean putting his needs before my own, but I don't want to fake it.  I'm so exhausted every single day that all I want to do is go to bed.  I've been moody and crying alot lately mostly because I'm just feeling very overwhelmed with work and with taking care of Liam.  I feel like I can't get anything done lately.  I'm just going through the motions trying to keep my head above water.  When I do have some free time, which is rare, I have to do chores or work on things for the lab.  I just didn't realize how demanding all of this was going to be and it's a rather rude awakening. 

Liam is doing well for the most part.  He was diagnosed with reflux a few weeks ago and has been on meds ever since.  He started spitting up constantly and just wasn't happy.  I took him in several times to the pediatrician and he just wasn't gaining weight at all.  He was eating 30oz of breastmilk everyday and still wasn't gaining.  I felt like a failure as a mother because my milk just wasn't enough for him.  We started him on rice cereal in every bottle and he finally started putting on some weight, but a week ago at daycare he started getting very fussy again and wanting to eat every 1 1/2 hours.  The ladies at daycare suggested that he just wasn't being satified on my milk and that maybe we should start supplementing with formula.  I relented and we started mixing 1/2 soy formula into every bottle, still adding rice as well.  He seems to do somewhat better, but he's still spitting up alot, at least he did yesterday.  His 4mo appt is on Dec 19, so I'm anxious to see how his weight is doing but also talk to the ped about what to do next.  If he doesn't start keeping things down, then there has to be something more to do.  He's a happy spitter and not really in any discomfort, but when he spits up even while being upright, even after an hour or more past a bottle, something is certainly wrong.  I'm hoping he'll grow out of this and maybe it's just a developmental delay in his GI tract, but I just want him well. 

I really want him to continue on breastmilk and I'm thankful I got him to 3mo at least without having to supplement, but honestly I'm worried that I should have started formula early then maybe he wouldn't have the issues with his weight.  I still think there's benefits to him being on breastmilk for as long as possible.  He hasn't gotten sick yet and I'm very thankful for that, especially since I was expecting him to get something from daycare by now.  I'm down to 4 pumps per day and am freezing alot still.  I was pumping 2 times at work, but that became impossible, so I had to drop one pump.  It was easier than I thought, but I'm worried that it's going to be pretty hard to drop down below 4.  I feel like I'm alone as far as continuing with breastmilk.  I have to practically beg someone to watch him while I pump if we are with family.  Rob is somewhat supportive but he thinks it takes too much of my time and that I'd be happier if I stopped.  In a way I probably would, but I feel like at least this is something good that I can do for him still.  I didn't think I would be able to produce enough for him and now I'm more than able to.  I'm just going to stick it out and see what the ped says and if she thinks it would be best for me to quit and for him to be on a more hypoallergenic formula then so be it.  He's developing so well though.  He started rolling from tummy to back almost two weeks ago and just yesterday he started laughing.  I look at him and just have to smile.  He's amazing in every way and I would be lost without him.  Even though things have been tough lately I wouldn't have it any other way.  He means the world to me and I would do anything for him.  No matter how little sleep I get or how hard it is just to get through the day, I look forward to seeing him and spending time with him. 

One Month

I haven't been able to post or blog because we turned off our internet.  Things have been going pretty well.  Liam is still having issues really late at night just being unconsolable.  He is exclusively on breastmilk now, which I'm rather proud of.  He eats about 3.5oz per feeding about 6-7 times a day.  Last night we ended up giving him about 4.5oz at his early morning feeding and I guess that was enough to let him skip another morning feeding.  He usually goes down around 9-10pm and sleeps until 2am, then eats again and is up almost every 3 hours after that.  But Rob decided since he was crying his head off after eating/being changed, he might still be hungry so we tried some more and he took it down no problems and slept in until 6:45am.  I think we're going to try giving him 4oz for his last bottle and see if that lets him sleep longer and then try another 4oz at his early morning feeding.  I just don't want to over-feed him and make him sick.  We just transitioned from 3oz bottles to 3.5oz bottles over the past week or so.  But if he needs more then I certainly want him to have it.  I'm exclusively pumping all of his milk now and I'm actually able to save some in the freezer each day.  I could probably save more than I do, but I like to be about 2-3 bottles ahead just in case I can't pump or something happens with my supply.  I BF him every now and then, but he gets so freaking hot and sweaty laying on me and then he takes almost an hour or more per side and honestly giving him a bottle for 30 minutes seems alot easier.  I enjoy BF him, it certainly feels better than pumping, but I don't know, I may just do it every now and then to console him or if I just can't find the time to pump and it's time for him to eat.  That's what happened yesterday.

He's so much more awake now it's crazy.  He hardly takes any naps during the day which means I get absolutely nothing done.  Rob and I have been fighting alot more mostly about not having enough time in the mornings for us to get what we need to done before he leaves for work.  I think he resents me needing the time to pump, but I'm going to stand my ground on that and keep it up for as long as I can.  I don't know what will happen when I start work, but I'll cross that bridge when it comes.  Rob claims that if he watched him all day he'd have all the laundry done and the house clean and do it with a smile.  I told him try me.  So we'll see if his next day off he's willing to take care of him solely.

Rob still doesn't have confirmation on a job in ATL.  We close on the house on Sept 28, and we still don't have a place to live.  We can't commit to a rental until he has a position up there.  We have an offer to stay with a friend for free with all of our animals for as long as we need.  She's an older woman that I met at school and her kids are all grown and gone, so she has a huge home and tons of empty rooms.  If it comes to us having to move in with her temporarily it will be a blessing just so that we can save up some money.  Rob should hear something the end of next week on the 23 about a potential job.  If that falls thru and the other position he's interviewed for doesn't work, I have no idea what we're going to do.  I'm scared out of my mind, but it is what it is.  Worst case scenario we either live apart for a little while or he quits his job to stay at home allowing me to start my job.  Please pray he gets either of the jobs, we need this desperately!  We are going back to ATL for the day on Wed to look at a few more rentals, just to see.  We looked on Thursday and everything was such crap it was so upsetting.  The one house we liked was in a sketchy neighborhood and when I saw 2 pit-bull mixes tied to a tree next door, that house was off the list.  I'm hoping things fall into place at the last minute, they seem to do that for us alot lately.  It will be nice to be done with selling the home, but the not knowing what's next is killing me.

Birth and Boobies

Hi everyone, I know it's been a while since my last update about going in for a C-section, but I've been busy with the new little guy to say the least.  The C-section itself was not as bad as I thought it was going to be.  They did a spinal block instead of an epidural and honestly I was more scared of this than the surgery itself.  I had an amazing set of nurses and anesthesiologists and they made it a really great experience.  It was very surreal not being able to feel my legs, but you just kind of block it out and focus on the outcome.  Plus I had people talking to me constantly and Rob was able to come in after about 20min.  When they finally pulled Liam out, he kind of just gurgled from all the fluid, but when I finally heard his first cry, everything that I had been through these past four years to bring him into the world was totally and completely worth every heartbreaking moment.  He's perfect in every way.  He has my nose and chin and Rob's eyes and mouth.  It's amazing that he looks like a perfect combination of both of us.  He weighed a healthy 9lb 5oz and was 20.5in long. 

The recovery from the surgery was anything but fun.  It was extremely painful and there were times I was in so much pain I was shaking and crying uncontrollably.  We were in the hospital from Wed to Sat afternoon before being released and by Sunday I had finally weaned myself off of the pain meds.  I'm still having problems with my bowels, mostly weird pulling and stretching that is painful when I go, but I've been told it's normal, so I'm trying to just deal with it.  What I wasn't aware of was that I would still bleed even though I had a c-section.  It makes sense, but no one ever told me about it.  Kind of weird having this visitor around that I haven't seen since last Nov.  Can't say that I've missed her!

While in the hospital I tried my best to BF.  By Friday Liam had lost almost a whole pound and they were adamant that I start supplementing, so we started him on Si.milac formula.  I started pumping on Sunday and by Monday my milk had finally come in.  I was told b/c of being Hypothyroid my supply would be compromised and may never get very high which wasn't comforting to hear, but I understood there wasn't much I could do to change it.  They rechecked my Thyroid levels in the hospital and everything came back normal, so I'm ok there.  I've been trying to pump 10-15 min, double pump, up to 8 times a day.  So far since Monday I'm up from just drops to about 8oz in a day.  This isn't much at all, but I'm trying my absolute best to do whatever I can to help inc my supply.  I drinking Mother's Milk Tea every morning, eating oatmeal every morning, and taking Fenugreek 2 times per day (I may up it to 3 to see if it helps).  I asked the OB about any prescriptions that could help and they said they don't offer or approve of anything (even though I know there are some available that "might" help).  I'm frustrated and upset about not being able to do this one thing for Liam, but it goes back to my body never living up to my expectations.  I'm trying to let him BF some too during the day before and after I pump to maybe help inc my supply too.  I really do enjoy it, but it's also been nice to let Rob bond with him over feedings.  I'm also able to help with all the laundry and keeping the house in order more since I'm not BF him constantly.  Yes I do miss it, but I think this is what is going to work best for us at least for now.  I'm not sure how long I'll be able to do this, because eventually his needs will certainly outgrow my supply, but I'm going to give him every single drop I can produce in the hopes that he's getting some benefit from it even if it's small.  Any advice from those of you that pump would be appreciated!  Hugs everyone and I'll try and post a pic soon.

Scheduled C-Section

Well we are going to meet our little boy tomorrow morning.  I'm scheduled for a c-section due to his size and my high BP issues.  My last appt went well, it was really long.  We got one last look at him and even got a few more 3D pics.  Based on measurements he's well over 9lbs and in the 95% and higher for weight, head/abdomen circumference, and femur length.  He's going to be big and long!  My BP was still too high even though I've been resting constantly for the past 2 weeks straight.  When I was checked my cervix has shortened some, but other than that no more progress.  If we were going to induce he said we'd probably wait a while longer and even then there's no guarantee I'd progress.  He also said of course the longer we wait the bigger he's going to get.  I don't want any emergency situations occuring.  I honestly feel good about our decision to go forward with a c-section.  Yes I'm scared, yes I'm sad that I couldn't go through with a vag delivery.  But honestly, I'm happy that my vag isn't going to be in shreds after delivering this guy.  I know my recovery is going to be alot more difficult, but I'm going to have lots of help, so it will all work out in the end.  Will update when I can. 

Not What I Expected

So my appointment on Monday at 37wk showed that I didn't progress much from the previous week.  I'm at 0 station and about 1/2-1cm dilated, the OB kind of gave me that.  My BP was higher than normal for me but the nurse just brushed it off.  So yesterday at about 4pm I started having contractions, like the braxton hicks but this time accompanied with some cramping.  Only problem was they came every 4-6 minutes.  I monitored up until 8pm, same thing for 4 hours straight.  So I decided to go into triage, to get checked.  No change from Monday, was having some "minor" contractions but they basically told me not to come back unless they are bad enough that I can't walk/talk while having one.  Okay, got it.  However, while they were monitoring me my BP was pretty high, highest they got was 142/95.  Not good.  So they did bloodwork, that came back normal.  So they released me but made me do a 24hr urine collection, which I'll finish tomorrow morning.  If the results are bad, then I could be induced early.  Today I've been on self-imposed bedrest.  My last day at the lab was yesterday before the contractions started, so I'm glad I made that decision.

As far as the house, we just got through all the inspections.  Unfortunately we didn't pass our WDO and there's stuff that was found on the home inspection, but I should have been prepared for it.  Hopefully some things well be able to fix ourselves and the others well just have to pay to get done.  I don't think I realized that we would have to basically PAY to sell our home, but in this economy that's the norm I guess.  We are basically, once all is said and done, starting out completely broke in ATL.  We're going to have to rely on our parents because in all honesty with the repairs and closing costs totalling close to $15000 (this includes what we still owe on our mortgage), we will basically have nothing left.  I'm scared beyond measure.  I'm upset that we weren't able to get more for our home, but I understand that we are beyond lucky to even be under contract right now.  I know that we'll make it somehow.  No matter what I will provide for this child and Rob will too.  It's going to be a new chapter in our lives and I guess starting out completely "fresh" in a way, will force us to make alot of changes.  We certainly won't be buying a home anytime soon.  Like probably not for another 5 years or more, it's just not worth it right now.  We should be finished paying off our IVF loans and car loan within 4 years, and I think once that happens it will certainly be alot better than it is.  Plus since I'll be making almost double what I made as a grad student, at least we'll be pulling in more that we ever have with 2 salaries. 

I'm just taking it one day at a time and praying along the way.  I know things will be okay, but it still doesn't mean I haven't lost sleep or cried about everything that has been going on.  It's just alot to take in all at once right now.

Progress

Had my 36wk appt today and we got another U/S. Baby is measuring 38-39weeks based on head/body/legs and est wt is 7lb12oz and I'm only 36w2d, just a little freaked out by how big he is, but happy he's healthy and doing well. I'm starting to retain alot of fluid, gaining alot of weight really quickly which hasn't happened at all during this preg until now. My BP and urine test were fine, but I'm worried about it still. OB said we need to just start "thinking" about what we might want to do if he doesn't come before 38 weeks or so. I want a vag delivery, but not sure if I want to deal with the possibility of alot of tearing. OB says his main concern is him getting stuck b/c of his shoulders. I was checked today and I'm already 80% effaced and he's completely engaged, not dilated yet, but he said it should be coming soon since he's so far down. I think I'm going to wait until my next appt on Mon see how I'm progressing and probably wait until 38wk before even considering induction or scheduling a c-section. I just want him to get here safely. Not really sure what to do at this point.  I'm already starting to have alot of Braxton hicks, nothing painful though. 

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.  Just for a figure Rob was a c-section and weighed well over 10lbs at 39weeks.  Sometimes even the est of wt is actually lower than the "real" figure, but he could weigh less too.

Contract

Well we got word this morning that the buyer agreed to our terms.  We are under contract.  She now has 15 days to get her estimates on the second driveway.  We have to get our WDO done and then the waiting begins again.  Checking things off of the list and hoping the rest falls into place.  So far so good!